Valentine’s Jokes

Here are some funny (and not so funny) love jokes, relationship jokes, dating jokes and marriage jokes, for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: You know that young couple next door? He’s so sweet to her. Every morning he kisses her goodbye, and every evening he brings her flowers. Why can’t you do that?
Husband: Okay, but if she falls for me remember you started it.

Sometimes my girfriend switches roles and gets really aggressive and dominant and powerful. The other day she came home and as soon as she walked in she totally ordered me to take off her shirt. Then she was like “Now take off my skirt, biatch!” Then she ordered me to never wear her clothes again.
Baby, am I the first guy you ever made love to?
Why does everyone always ask me that?

Honey, I don’t mind if you go out with the guys, but what the hell are you doing coming home at 2 am half drunk?
I ran out of money.

A woman was in bed with her husband’s best friend when the phone rang. She answered it and then said “That was my husband. But don’t worry, he won’t be home for a while. He’s playing cards with you.”

“Now as I said two weeks ago”, the minister said to the three couples wanting to join his rather strict church, “the final requirement was for you to go two weeks without sex, to show you are serious about joining. He then asked the elderly couple, “Were you able to abstain for 2 weeks?”

“Two weeks? Try two decades” said the husband.
“Great, then you can join our church. And how about you two?” The minister asked a middle aged couple.
“Yes, we made it,” the wife said. “Although the second week my husband had to sleep on the couch”.
“Wonderful” said the minister. “Welcome to our church. And how about you two?” he asked the newly weds. “Were you able to abstain for two weeks?”
“Well”, said the husband, “We did pretty good at first. But a couple of hours after we met with you my wife dropped a light bulb, and when she bent down to pick it up, I just couldn’t resist.”
“I’m sorry. But unfortunately that means you aren’t welcome in our church”.
“That’s okay” said the husband. “We aren’t welcome back to the hardware store either.”

Valentine’s Jokes: Funny romance relationship, dating, love and marriage jokes.