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Best Really Funny Jokes

Here are a few jokes from the section:

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?”

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world (Steven Wright).

The Funniest Joke in the world, according to a large research project:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

The Preacher’s Visit

Sarah hadn’t been to church lately, so her minister thought he’d go pay her a visit and see how the 85 year old church matriarch was doing. He knocked on her door and after a time he heard her spirited voice holler

“Hello, who is it?”
“It’s Reverend Dave”, he answered.

“OH Hi-Come in, Come in, how’s the church doing?” She said.

“Great! The Smith’s had their little baby girl, and Mary and Tom got married- Everything is wonderful. But I just wanted to see how you are doing. We’ve missed you.”

“Well, I haven’t been feeling too well lately. I had quite the root canal last week- they are trying to save the few survivors.”

Just then the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The minister sat near a table with an old reader’s digest and a bowl of peanuts. After a few minutes passed,he started flipping through the magazine. After anotehr ten minutes or so, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless,so he started in on the bowl of peanut while he read. After a while,he suddenly realized that he had eaten the whole bowl of peanuts.

Just then Sarah returned and said, “Oh I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month so when she does we have to catch up on everything.” The minister, feeling a little embarrassed, said “I must also apologize. While you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there.

Mrs. Jones replied, “Oh that’s ok. Since the root canal, the best I can do is suck all the chocolate off of ‘em!”

Valentine’s Jokes

Here are some funny (and not so funny) love jokes, relationship jokes, dating jokes and marriage jokes, for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: You know that young couple next door? He’s so sweet to her. Every morning he kisses her goodbye, and every evening he brings her flowers. Why can’t you do that?
Husband: Okay, but if she falls for me remember you started it.

Sometimes my girfriend switches roles and gets really aggressive and dominant and powerful. The other day she came home and as soon as she walked in she totally ordered me to take off her shirt. Then she was like “Now take off my skirt, biatch!” Then she ordered me to never wear her clothes again.
Baby, am I the first guy you ever made love to?
Why does everyone always ask me that?

Honey, I don’t mind if you go out with the guys, but what the hell are you doing coming home at 2 am half drunk?
I ran out of money.

A woman was in bed with her husband’s best friend when the phone rang. She answered it and then said “That was my husband. But don’t worry, he won’t be home for a while. He’s playing cards with you.”

“Now as I said two weeks ago”, the minister said to the three couples wanting to join his rather strict church, “the final requirement was for you to go two weeks without sex, to show you are serious about joining. He then asked the elderly couple, “Were you able to abstain for 2 weeks?”

“Two weeks? Try two decades” said the husband.
“Great, then you can join our church. And how about you two?” The minister asked a middle aged couple.
“Yes, we made it,” the wife said. “Although the second week my husband had to sleep on the couch”.
“Wonderful” said the minister. “Welcome to our church. And how about you two?” he asked the newly weds. “Were you able to abstain for two weeks?”
“Well”, said the husband, “We did pretty good at first. But a couple of hours after we met with you my wife dropped a light bulb, and when she bent down to pick it up, I just couldn’t resist.”
“I’m sorry. But unfortunately that means you aren’t welcome in our church”.
“That’s okay” said the husband. “We aren’t welcome back to the hardware store either.”

Valentine’s Jokes: Funny romance relationship, dating, love and marriage jokes.

Missing chapters from Genesis

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, �What is wrong with you?�

Adam said he didn�t have anyone to talk to.

God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, �This person will gather food for you, and when you discover clothing she�ll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make, she will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong if something bad should happen between you. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it�.

Adam asked God, �What will a woman like this cost?�

God replied, �An arm and a leg.�

Then Adam asked, �What can I get for a rib?�

The rest is history����